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The Endless Loves of Your Life

My best friend and I have a running joke that I fall in love with new people constantly… for about 2 weeks at a time.

In all honesty, I’m incredibly impressed she keeps up with all the people that keep walking in and out of my life for short little stints. A small crush here, a casual fling there. Nothing has been too serious, but every person has left their mark in a way.

I haven’t been in a relationship for over 3 years, but I think I’ve been in love countless times since then.

If you’ve ever heard the Hozier song “Someone New” you may have an idea what I’m talking about. The chorus simply states that “I fall in love just a little ol’ a little but every day with someone new.” And honestly, I can relate.

Let’s be real. People are fascinating.

Everyone in this world has their own unique story. A heart that beats a specific way. A past they’re still healing from and a future they’re looking forward to. And when I get the opportunity to learn about those intimate details that make you who you are, how the heck am I supposed to not fall in love with you?

In a way, I think we’ve built love up to be this terrific thing we’re always chasing, so we forget to recognize when it’s right there. I think if we all took a step back or maybe took the weight off the word, you’d realize that you’ve loved so many people throughout your lifetime.

You only get one great “love of your life,” yes? The person you’re going to grow old with. The person you tell everything to. The person who holds that extra special place in your life. Sure, you only get one great, romantic “love of your life,” but I’d argue that you get an infinite amount of little loves throughout your lifetime.

Love is a big emotion, but it can be shown in so many little ways through so many different relationships.

Love is about sharing. It’s about walking through a moment of vulnerability with another person. It’s about knowing you’ve left a mark on someone and that they changed you in a way as well. No matter how big or small those moments or those changes are, they mattered.

This is the concept I’ve been grappling with as I’ve been casually dating or even just flirting. I’ve had plenty of “where is this going” or “what are we doing” conversations that have ended with both people deciding it was a casual moment, enjoying each other’s company for a bit, then moving on when the time is right. And I have wholeheartedly meant every one of those conversations. I’ve been honest when I said I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean there haven’t been emotions that got in the way or things that were lost in translation.

I can tell you (and myself) that this is casual, but then still feel bummed that you didn’t text me “good morning.” If we’re flirting one day and the next you tell me about a date you’re going on… that may totally throw me for a loop. We may share a moment of vulnerability where you share something personal with me, and I may get jealous when I hear someone else knows about it too. I can tell myself it doesn’t matter till I’m blue in the face, but the reality is, any sort of emotional intimacy can easily change things. And sometimes you can't help that natural feelings creep in.


And it's okay to feel both ways. It's okay to enjoy something that is spontaneous or casual while also acknowledging that a piece of you was involved and invested in that moment. Love and deep emotions are complicated and complex. Stop beating yourself up for feeling things just because you feel like you shouldn't.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel special. We want to feel seen. We want to feel cherished. We want to feel like we mattered. Whether the moment I’m sharing with you is for a day, a month, a year, or a lifetime, I want to feel like it meant something. For romantic relationships or otherwise.

I’ve reached the point where I’m feeling a little tired of the games. I’m tired of pretending you didn’t impact me. I’m tired of putting my heart out there to turn around and act like I didn’t. I’m tired of sitting at home thinking about you and wondering if you’re spending any energy on me.

Can’t we just say “I love you” and not worry that the other person isn’t ready to hear those words? I want to be able to have these big emotions and not be forced to dull them down. I want you to know that I think you’re amazing, and fascinating, and special, and creative, and exciting, and beautiful. I want to be able to say that without you thinking I’m crazy or worrying that I’m obsessed with you. I want you to trust me when I say I know this isn’t forever, but I don’t want to stifle what I’m feeling in the now. I want to feel big things, let down my walls, and not apologize for my big heart.

Basically what I’m saying is this. When I say I fall in love over and over again in two week stints or brief interactions, I don’t mean forever. I don’t mean I love you unconditionally, I want to marry you, or grow old with you. I don’t even mean I love you in a romantic way, necessarily. Maybe I love you as a friend who I want to be a special part of my life for a little bit longer.

I don’t mean “I love you and we should ride off into the sunset tomorrow.” I mean I love your spirit. Something drew my heart to yours, even for a brief moment. I love the time we’ve shared. I love that you trusted me with a piece of yourself. Whether it was a stolen kiss or an intimate conversation, you gave me a piece of you and I returned the favor.

At the end of the day, I just want to know that that mattered. I want to know that I left a bit of a mark on you, cause you surely had an impact on me.

At our core, I think we’re all deeply emotional people who live in a world that’s designed to be casual. We feel things hard, even when we aren’t supposed to. And love is one of those big feelings that simply demands to be acknowledged. And trying to keep that in, can simply be exhausting.

Whether you think you’ve met the one, you’ve made a new friend that you want to foster a deeper connection with, or you’re trying to thank someone for the impact that they’ve had on you, isn’t it time you just told them? Isn’t it time we stopped pretending that we don’t feel love and affection for so many people in our lives? Isn’t it time that you stopped playing the games and just loved, unreservedly?

I’ve fallen in love so many times over the past 3 years. Some have hurt like hell. Others have fizzled. Others have involved fleeting moments with fascinating people. And here’s the thing, I regret none of it.

That’s why I believe in wearing your heart on your sleeve. Sure, it gives people the opportunity to hurt you. But it also gives people the opportunity to share their heart with yours and color your life with a great collection of characters that all have an impact.

I’d rather love hard and love often, than live a life without that love. I’d rather regret loving than regret never opening up. I’d rather fall in love every day in small little ways than wait around for one great moment.

Love is a big emotion. Love means something, no matter what iteration it is taking in your life at that current moment. My wish for you is that you never, ever apologize for feeling it. Never apologize for loving big and loving hard. Take the risks. Dive in. As hard, vulnerable, and terrifying as that is… I bet it’s going to be worth it.


All my love,

ACB


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