I journal every morning... or at least I try to. Sometimes those morning thoughts are really honest and vulnerable and true. I thought I would share those here, so enjoy my unedited and early morning thoughts.
Good Morning. I woke up with a newfound determination to actually start doing these morning pages, and I feel ready and excited for a new chapter. Friendly reminder to myself not to judge myself. This journal, as with life is a process. You won't be brilliant tomorrow. Doesn't it feel better to create rather than just consume? I'd say it does!
I am an external thinker,
I live an external life.
I am an external daughter,
and I'll be an external wife.
It puzzles me when people say they live their life inside
To me that seems and awful place where feelings only hide.
See in my brain my thoughts and feelings scramble just a bit.
But if I spell them out for you, I may get over it.
So thanks so much for listening,
I'll say it once again.
I'm very, very, very blessed with you as my best friend
You know those moments when you just feel content? For me its swinging. I love raising and lowering and feeling the wind in my hair. But you know when you look around and just feel happy? I mean, no one feels happy anymore. Even when there are moments that seem average. Jut hanging with your closest friends or accomplishing something hard. I try to enjoy those moments. Cause you know, happiness is kinda beautiful.
You're conquering sh** all over the place and thats exciting, dude. You're controlling your own happiness. And of course, life still happens and there are still plenty of bumps in the road. But you're living and breathing thru the bumps. But you've got tools. You've got this. You are strong and brave and unique and special. I am so proud of you. Enjoy your happiness. Enjoy security. Love yourself, BB. You're doing a great job so far.
Wowza. Third day in a row of actually journaling. Good job to me. I guess going through something tough is a sure fire way to do that. I wonder if anyone at this coffee shop right now can tell that I'm crying. I think I'm having trouble with the fact that everyone just expects me to be the happy one all the time. And thats me for sure. I do pride myself in being peppy and upbeat and positive all the time, but then its just so hard to go anywhere when I'm feeling low.
I am strong. I am resilient and I am strong. this will not destroy me. I will not cave or break down. I know, its hard to feel lovely. Its really f****ing hard.
I did the thing. I don't know with this breakup it almost feels like I'm going thru the motions of doing fine. I know this is the right call, and sometimes I really am fine. And I have days where I'm practicing great self care and am so happy with it. Then I have days when I go thru the steps of self care and I feel no different. We just have to get thru this. I know it hurts. But you won't know real joy without this heartache. You took a risk. You loved without any reservation. I am so proud of you. That was brave. So this one didn't pan out? Try again. Cause you will hurt again, but being hurt is the only way you know you're alive.
Heres the thing, Amanda. You are an intelligent, beautiful, and wonderful person. You'll find someone one day who will see, love, and appreciate all of those things about you. Its also okay if for a few weeks, months, or years, that number one person is you. Its time to fill yourself up so much that you're overflowing and spreading to others. Feel full. Thats the goal for this week and this life in general.
I had a panic attack last night so that wasn't fun. It was a low energy show so I just got sad and lonely. Sometimes I think panic attacks are a little reminiscent of being drunk. Like I woke up like "what happened last night." Just confused and weird.
After this year, I'm such a stronger person. Just look at what you've survived. Its been a year of loss and rejection and anger and confusion and hurt. But also doors have opened and I've had new opportunities and moments of contentment. A new dawn is coming. New beginnings, bless those. I don't want to be stuck. I don't want my life to be defined by people that don't make me better. I think I should publish my blog. My first post could be about the power and terror of contentment. Feeling like you're where you're supposed to be is really scary.
Listen, I can talk myself out of anxiety so much better now. Like I kept panicking about how this is going to work and getting mad at my past self, but you just take a breath and say "the past is the past. How can we learn from this experience and grow for the future?"
I liked what my therapist said about slightly adjusting language. Less of asking "did I have a purposeful day?" more about "did I have a meaningful day?" Cause shes right, sometimes you can have a meaningful day just laying on the couch.
Friendly reminder that you don't have to, and can't do it all. Don't be superwoman, you're not saving anyone, you're just hurting yourself.
. I don't like complacency, so of course, I like change. I like to be moving and to set new goals. Cause if I didn't do that, i'd be stuck. And I think being stuck terrifies me the most. So I will never feel stuck, settled maybe, but not stuck. I used to be stuck, but now I'm free. Which is scary and hard. When your wings are clipped you get used to walking, but you were meant to fly.
So there is something about Jason Mraz and a beautiful NYC walk on the High Line. Truly I've had so much joy on this trip. And some of those most joyful moments have come from being by myself. I feel such resolve to continue my plans and go on more adventures. I mean how fun has this been? Even just exploring on my own. I want to experience the world and exist in places and start to understand how people live in those places. REally if people just opened their eyes more to the world around them, what a better place this could be.
Okay Brene Brown, I get what you mean when you say you can get a vulnerability hangover. I also am just in a place right now where my heart is so confused. I'm not even remotely ready for another legit relationship, but he has always been that "what if?" person. I'm proud of myself for sharing, but thats the most I've actually allowed myself to be vulnerable to someone in a long time. Cause I protect. Thats what my body and brain go to right away fight or flights. Protection mode.
ITS MY BIRTHDAY! Yay! And I get to do so much fun stuff today! 23 was a confusing year to say the least. It started out sad, But then the second half of 23 has been arguably the best 6 months as far as mental health. I stopped letting anyone control me and how I feel I am in charge of my destiny. The growth is straight up insane. How blessed am I?
A Prayer at St Marienkirche:
God, thank you for bringing me here to this beautiful place. And your house in this beautiful city. They don't really make them like this anymore do the? But God, thank you for this experience. I'll admit it, I'm a little scared. I'm a little lonely. I'm a little inside my head. But I am literally in Europe on my own right now. Like huh? Never in a million years would this have been something I would've done like 2 years ago. God, thank you for this new, incredible strength you're teaching me..
Someone once aid, "fall in love with your life. Every second of it." wow, am I really in love with my life right now. Late night Friday stroll along the Seine after a lovely food tour learning about the French cuisine. The past 2 hours I haven't really done much, and I'm glad. Just walking around gives you a feel for how cool and beautiful it all is. The world really is incredible isn't it?
I've been so bad about journaling lately. But also I think it may be okay. Like some self help tools are really valuable for a time, then its okay to move on from them.
Well, here it is, today is the day. The first step to your dreams. The first step and first day of the rest of your life. Just remember that no matter where you go in the world, you will always get to come home to your friends. I'm so lucky with the amazing people i've met in my life.